Gran's box

This journal was found in the attic of a fully furnished and abandoned town house in 2007 next to the last purported owner's death certificate. I. My life is so perfect that it scares me. I see smiling faces from my wife and coworkers, my boss tells me that I'm doing a fine job, and the pastor pulls me up in front of the choir to set an example for the congregation. They know nothing of my desire. If my priest knew what I was meddling in, he would condemn me to the fires of hell. When my life was difficult, I felt more alive. Each day when I open my eyes as a successful family man, I feel as though I've slipped one rung further on a downward spiral of age, wrinkles, and systematic failure of my body as it repeats a daily crucible of perfection that most would envy. I know some are jealous of my life when they see me on the street, and yet I would trade life, limb, and soul to live in their shoes for one day. I crave INTENSITY. The easy life is mind numbing. II. Routine, routine, routine. Every day is exactly the same as the one before it. There are a few minor details that I barely have a measure of control over. I can order a ham and swiss instead of a turkey and pepper jack for lunch, and I can scratch my dog's left ear before his right. Coors Light, Michelob Ultra, Budweiser Select, Sam Adams Summer Ale. It doesn't matter if I fuck my wife from behind, if I finish up on her glasses, or if she swallows. Drunk is drunk. Pussy is pussy. Everything is always the same. Soon, I'm going to try it. I've waited long enough. III. This is the last week I'm going to keep myself locked in this prison of endless repetition. I have all my affairs in order. I've written a note to my family and provided for everything and everyone. In case I get senile, this is a typical morning in my life on a normal day. I wake up at five thirty on the dot because my bones have internal timers in them, and my hip catches on fire at around five thirty four. I take a swig of mouthwash on my way to the toilet to save time, and I spend a three minute stretch swishing Listerine through my mouth and managing to squeeze out inconsistent bursts of urine. I've had to prop my hand against the wall since I was fifty. Standing straight up to piss is beyond me these days. My third young trophy wife Margerie can only make decent eggs over easy, and sunny side up is out of the question unless we go out. The bacon is microwaved for two minutes and thirty seconds because although her rack is perfect, she can't cook to save her life. She spends every morning breakfast session explaining to me that my children from previous marriages are ungrateful and deserve to be cut out of my last will and testament. This all comes while I'm chewing spongy bacon and drinking cofee that tastes like engine oil. By seven thirty, after I've shit, showered, and shaved, I'm in my boring Saab, puttering twenty minutes to work on economy cruise control. This twenty minute window is the highlight of my day. There's no traffic, the morning show I listen to is sometimes funny, and I take my first valium as soon as my rear tires hit Nutwood Street. For the record, my life was once gritty and unpolished, but also glamorous in a way that it was poetic. I miss being piss poor, living paycheck to paycheck, and not knowing what the next day would hold in store. I miss my first marriage, when everything was new, including some positions that I can't do anymore because my fake hip would crucify me with pain for trying. I miss my 1970 Oldsmobile 442 that got six miles to the gallon. It was a one fifty five big block with a superstroke and a twelve second ignition top out. You felt like you were going to die if you lost even a smidgeon of control on a country road. I was young then. It all comes back to age. Old people all go out the same way. Heart attack, stroke, brain aneurism, cancer. I want to be different. It's still sitting on my mantlepiece, but it doesn't have to beg me anymore. I'll soon be determined to take it down and use it of my own free will. IV. I did it. I've been carrying it in my j